This week marks two years since my diagnosis. Strange how this whole cancer thing is now a part of my life. A part of our lives.
Yesterday was a chemo day, but also trick-or-treat; I made it home in plenty of time and took Xander around the neighborhood with my mom. Tim was working, as always. Trick or treat was a great distraction, though, and I actually feel better today than I have all week! (Since the whole heart episode, I have felt dizzy and nauseous and I had a migraine and awful sinus pressure and a super low blood pressure and blood counts that were just fine..all on different days since I last posted.)
Two years ago, I was so very scared. And overwhelmed. And I don’t even know what else. I have tried to re-read my blog posts from then, but I just get upset (and that really is not helpful). Today I’m not so scared or overwhelmed, but I am still anxious and worried. And I forget about the cancer sometimes, or maybe I just overlook it? But really, it is always in the back of my head.
I suppose I have reached a new level of “acceptance”. I mean, I still pray and hope for a “cure”, but maybe I need to think of this cancer like diabetes. I have to maintain it, and I just have to live with it. And you know what, I am going to live freakin’ hard. And long. And I am going to be well and happy, and sometimes sad and worried, and frustrated, etc. etc. etc. because life is a revolving door of feelings and ups and downs and everything in between. Cancer doesn’t make it that way. It just is.
On Monday I am headed to a naturopathic clinic in Baltimore to start mistletoe therapy. I have done quite a bit of reading on it, and have spoken with some people who have used it – it all sounds good. Even if the treatments don’t do anything to the lingering cancer in my body. Even if all they do is make me feel better. Really, honestly, that is what I want – to feel great. Most days I feel good, but I want to feel GREAT. Life depends on it. Maybe it is part of the equation. Mistletoe + diet + chemo = well.
Let’s do it. And let’s raise our glasses to two beautiful years!