Conversations with Alexander

Posted Apr 17, 2017 3:08pm

That kid. He talks and talks, and asks more and more questions. He has asked, “Mommy, your hair fall off?” to which I responded, “Yes, but it grew back.” He wonders if his hair will fall off too, and I said I don’t think so, but it would grow back if it did.

Several weeks ago, he overheard a conversation I was having in the car, over blue tooth. It was about treatment, or a scan, or something health-related. When I hung up, he was acting really odd in the back seat, turning away from me. I asked if he was sad because I go to the doctor all the time. He says “uh-huh.” I told him I have to go so I can get my medicine so I can play with him and take him places and do fun things. He says, “I don’t want to.” You know, buddy, I don’t want to, either, but the alternative is not an option. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do.

He knows my chemo bag is not a toy. He asks “What’s that thing on you?” but then answers his own question – “It’s your medicine.”

He has already asked me if I am sick, to which I responded, “Not today!”

It’s kind of really messed up that I’m having these conversations with a 2-year old. But he wants to know. And I’m not going to try to hide what’s going on. That isn’t healthy. Although I hate it, I also kind of love that he asks questions…that he isn’t afraid to. That he has the cognition to understand what I tell him. He just….gets it. Two going on 10.

I told him today that Daddy and I are going on a vacation to Spain tomorrow. (Yep. Tomorrow. Eeee!!) He first asked if he could come, too, but I said he was going to be on “Gramma and Mommom vacation”. That they are going to take him to play with other kids, and take him to a museum maybe, and a bounce house, and all kinds of fun things. So, of course, when we get home from appointments this morning, and he realizes that we are pulling into the driveway, he says, “Awww, I want to go on Gramma ‘cation.” Haha. Tomorrow, little dude, tomorrow.

I’m kind of a ball of anxiety. Or excitement bubbles. Or both. So excited to go back to Spain, to see some great friends, to eat the food, to see some beautiful cities. And to spend some time with Tim only, NOT at a doctor’s office. Yeah. That sounds nice. Tapas? Yes. Alhambra? Yes. Amigos? Yes. Wine? Yes. Well, maybe a little.

I’m wondering if I can take Dramamine and Ativan for the flight tomorrow. Tim says he’s not carrying me off the plane and he doesn’t want any “unscheduled stops due to an unruly passenger”. So, um, maybe I won’t take them at the same time.

I will be starting my “new” treatment when we get back – May 4th, to be exact. I say “new” because it isn’t really new. After much discussion and my visit to Fox Chase, we are going back to “FOLFOXIRI plus Avastin”, which was my original treatment when I was first diagnosed. I haven’t been on this combo in two years, literally to the day, and I didn’t stop it because it was no longer working. We stopped because it is kind of a hard treatment, and my body needed a break. Also, this treatment is not typically a long-term combo due to side effects and what-not. I’m not really worried too much about it. I mean, been there done that. And it worked. Really, really well. I can expect increased fatigue, cold sensitivity, maybe some neuropathy. Maybe hair loss again. Back in the beginning, I had tons of fevers, but we are kind of thinking that they were due to the HUGE tumor load my body was dealing with. Huge difference at this point. Plus I am taking supplements to balance out the chemo. And I am healthier in general – I weigh more, I’m not getting up 3 times a night with an infant, etc. I hope to handle it like a champ.

But let’s concentrate on Spain for now, ok? Que ganas tengo!

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