November 18, 2014

Womp womp. Back in the hospital. Had a fever again last night so mom brought me to the ER. Another barrage of tests that resolve nothing, and another day or two in a hospital bed. My nurse right now, though, is awesome. His name is Chad and he is very speedy at getting what I need. He also took the time to really talk to me. God bless Chad.
I miss my baby. I feel like I have been away from Alexander so much in the past few weeks. It makes me so sad to not be there to take care of him. And even when I am at home, I’m lucky if I even have enough energy to change the poor kid’s diaper. It makes me feel like such a bad mommy sometimes, although my brain tells me, “You need to take care of yourself right now, Maria, so you can be Alexander’s mommy for a long long time.” But my heart just breaks. And Tim has to pick up all my slack. Ugh. Cancer sucks.
But anyway. I decided I like how my friend Emily checks in on me. Instead of asking, “How are you?” or “How are you feeling?” she says, “What’s good today?” And I can always think of something good, despite all the junky things. Like today, I pooped. The doctors are happy when I tell them that, so it must be good. Also, I have a nice window is the hospital room, and the sky has been pretty all morning. Also! My blood counts were still normal! See, lots of good things!

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