Take a break.

I’ve been a disaster this week.  A roller-coaster of emotions.  Joy.  Motivation.  Fear. Doubt. Love. Appreciation. Exhaustion.  RELIEF.

I had a scan today, and it was stable.  “No sign of disease progression.”

I swear, I literally am an emotional freak show during the days leading up to a scan.  You’d think I would be used to this by now.  I go from “there can’t possibly be anything else going on; I feel fine” to “screw you cancer, I don’t care what the scan says” to “holy shit, what if the scan shows something I don’t want to know?” and literally every possible option in between.  I’ve been researching and reading and overwhelming myself with clinical trial information just in case the scan showed unwanted results.  So I could bust into Dr. Joshi’s office and be like, “Joshi, we have some options!” I’ve been mentally preparing myself to have hard conversations.  I’ve been planning an awesome benefit.  Oh, yeah, and the whole work and raising a child and life thing I’ve got going on.

And THEN at my in-service on Wednesday, my dear CAIU friends bought and sold sandwiches and contributed a portion of the proceeds to my cause.  How do I even express the gratitude I feel?

Boof.  The emotional center of my brain is spent.

So I took a break by using the last two hours to prepare for going camping tomorrow.

Good. Gravy.

Here’s the actual “break”, or at least I’m hoping for this:  I finished 12 rounds of this chemo regimen, FOLFOXIRI plus Avastin.  It’s a doosy of a cocktail, and doctors don’t like anyone to be on more than 12 rounds.  Since I am “handling” it pretty well, I could potentially do 3 more months just for kicks.  But honestly, I need a break.  I told Joshi at my last visit, “Look, if the scan is stable, I’d love to go on the pill for awhile”.  And she was totally fine with that.  Maybe it will only be for 3 months, but that’s OK.  It’s a break.  A break from the constant appointments, a break from the nausea and fatigue, a break from the 3 days of the snack pack (which I still HATE).  I have had IV chemo treatments without a break since January 2016.  As long as it is a reasonable choice, I NEED this break.  Granted, there will be side effects – there are always side effects.  But I will trade some for others for awhile.

I have a doc visit on Thursday to confirm all of this, but knowing me I will probably call her before then anyway.

Until then, I’m going camping with my boys and some friends.  I get to enjoy every minute of it without the emotional bricks on my shoulders, and THAT, my dear friends, is one heck of a break.

4 thoughts on “Take a break.

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  1. It’s all good Maria! Good scan, good friends, possibly a good break and camping…….have a blast, way Smores and breathe in and breathe out! Love you!


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