The good, the bad, and the unknown. Where do I even start?
I’ve been on Lynparza for about 7 weeks now? Ish? And, as expected, I feel CRAPTASTIC. You guys. So much fatigue. Back pain. Belly pain. Digestive discomfort. Even a little puking. Losing some weight because my appetite SUCKS. I’ve had one immunotherapy treatment (the next one is this afternoon), but I don’t think any of my issues are a reflection of that. Immunotherapy, by the way, is a walk-in-the-park infusion as compared with my 6+ hours plus 48 additional chemo hours that I’m so used to.
A few weeks ago it snowed. The day after, I had enough energy to take Alexander outside before the fresh layer of snow had been tainted. It’s a special kind of joy, that is…you know, walking on a crisp layer of unadulterated snow with your four-year-old. Flopping backwards to make snow angels. Sledding down the school hill. Building a tiny snowman. And having the energy to do it!
The week of Thanksgiving was rough – I was super fatigued and trying to prepare for Costa Rica. I almost backed out. Almost.
But I didn’t. I went. I lived. I laughed. You guys know how I feel about First Descents. Last year, that trip to Colorado rejuvenated me. It reminded me of all the things by body CAN do. I met people who truly understand. I came home a better version of myself.
This year was different, but not in a bad way. This year, my body was tired. I needed to bow out of some activities, which is totally not Maria-style. I needed to rest a lot, and I needed to honor my body when it needed to sit down. But despite all of those things, I white water rafted, rode horses, kayaked through the mangroves, surfed, and ziplined. I met a new crew of wonderful, wonderful people who are now my family, and I miss them dearly already. These people made me laugh and cry. They encouraged me when I pushed my body past its boundaries. They hugged me and listened to me when I was so pissed at my body, it made me want to explode. These people reminded me how FUN I can be – they laughed at my jokes (imagine that!) and made me belly laugh until my diaphragm hurt. They reminded me that I needed that trip for myself, no matter how guilty I felt going. They allowed me to rest and didn’t push me or judge me for it. Why? Because they’ve all been there. Because they can relate like no others. FD family accepts everyone for who they are – the good, the bad, the unknown. I can share exactly what I’m thinking, no matter how scary, and I don’t have to explain myself. I once said that FD is magic, and I’ll say it again. I’m honored to me part of it!
This week has been challenging. I made my body do soooo much last week, and now it hates me. I even had to come home early from work yesterday to sleep (again, totally not Maria-style). I’ve had to let everyone around here do MY jobs, which KILLS me. I’m trying my best to be kind to myself, but I’d be lying through my teeth if I said that was easy. Mom and Thomas reminded me to focus on what I CAN do. Just like First Descents does. Like, maybe just for now, I have to be content with folding laundry. Reading to my kid. Talking to good friends. Resting. Loving with everything I’ve got. Because no matter how tired and broken my body is, I can LOVE, and I can love HARD.
I have bloodwork today, a doctor’s visit, and treatment. Say a prayer that bloodwork is phenomenal, that this miserable pill is doing its job, and that I continue to gain energy as we work out dosing and whatnot. Maybe pray for more good, less bad, and answers to the unknown. Much love to you, friends.