The good, the bad, and the unknown

The good, the bad, and the unknown.  Where do I even start?

I’ve been on Lynparza for about 7 weeks now?  Ish?  And, as expected, I feel CRAPTASTIC.  You guys.  So much fatigue.  Back pain.  Belly pain.  Digestive discomfort.  Even a little puking.  Losing some weight because my appetite SUCKS.  I’ve had one immunotherapy treatment (the next one is this afternoon), but I don’t think any of my issues are a reflection of that.  Immunotherapy, by the way, is a walk-in-the-park infusion as compared with my 6+ hours plus 48 additional chemo hours that I’m so used to.

A few weeks ago it snowed.  The day after, I had enough energy to take Alexander outside before the fresh layer of snow had been tainted.  It’s a special kind of joy, that is…you know, walking on a crisp layer of unadulterated snow with your four-year-old.  Flopping backwards to make snow angels.  Sledding down the school hill. Building a tiny snowman.  And having the energy to do it!

The week of Thanksgiving was rough – I was super fatigued and trying to prepare for Costa Rica.  I almost backed out.  Almost.

But I didn’t.  I went.  I lived.  I laughed.  You guys know how I feel about First Descents.  Last year, that trip to Colorado rejuvenated me.  It reminded me of all the things by body CAN do.  I met people who truly understand.  I came home a better version of myself.

This year was different, but not in a bad way.  This year, my body was tired.  I needed to bow out of some activities, which is totally not Maria-style.  I needed to rest a lot, and I needed to honor my body when it needed to sit down.  But despite all of those things, I white water rafted, rode horses, kayaked through the mangroves, surfed, and ziplined.  I met a new crew of wonderful, wonderful people who are now my family, and I miss them dearly already.  These people made me laugh and cry.  They encouraged me when I pushed my body past its boundaries.  They hugged me and listened to me when I was so pissed at my body, it made me want to explode.  These people reminded me how FUN I can be – they laughed at my jokes (imagine that!) and made me belly laugh until my diaphragm hurt.  They reminded me that I needed that trip for myself, no matter how guilty I felt going.  They allowed me to rest and didn’t push me or judge me for it.  Why?  Because they’ve all been there.  Because they can relate like no others.  FD family accepts everyone for who they are – the good, the bad, the unknown.  I can share exactly what I’m thinking, no matter how scary, and I don’t have to explain myself.  I once said that FD is magic, and I’ll say it again.  I’m honored to me part of it!

This week has been challenging.  I made my body do soooo much last week, and now it hates me.  I even had to come home early from work yesterday to sleep (again, totally not Maria-style).  I’ve had to let everyone around here do MY jobs, which KILLS me.  I’m trying my best to be kind to myself, but I’d be lying through my teeth if I said that was easy.  Mom and Thomas reminded me to focus on what I CAN do.  Just like First Descents does.  Like, maybe just for now, I have to be content with folding laundry.  Reading to my kid.  Talking to good friends.  Resting.  Loving with everything I’ve got.  Because no matter how tired and broken my body is, I can LOVE, and I can love HARD.

I have bloodwork today, a doctor’s visit, and treatment.  Say a prayer that bloodwork is phenomenal, that this miserable pill is doing its job, and that I continue to gain energy as we work out dosing and whatnot.  Maybe pray for more good, less bad, and answers to the unknown.  Much love to you, friends.


15 thoughts on “The good, the bad, and the unknown

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  1. The determined look in your eyes…and tongue…on the surfboard picture mirrors the determination I know you have on the inside. You need to listen to your body. You can’t do it all all of the time. Maria-style may be a new style now and that’s ok.


    1. I also told you to do just what you can. Let everything else go. Someone else will pick it up and if they don’t, you need to let it go. Think about YOU right now. Get that rest you need and read to Xander or watch movies and eat popcorn. That’s what you need to do. Your family and friends will do the rest. ❤️


  2. I also told you to do just what you can. Let everything else go. Someone else will pick it up and if they don’t, you need to let it go. Think about YOU right now. Get that rest you need and read to Xander or watch movies and eat popcorn. That’s what you need to do. Your family and friends will do the rest. ❤️


  3. Sorry ur not feeling so good. I’m really happy u got to go on ur trip. Prayers that u will have good test results today. Rest when u have to and don’t push urself too much. I’m glad u had the energy to go out with ur son and play in the snow. I know he must love doing things with u. Love the pics u took! Keep the faith, ur doing great!!!! ☺


  4. Maria,
    It’s funny how reading your responses to your health and Costa Rica can make a person reflect on life. I remembered Maria the Soccer player extraordinaire and Maria the student who everyone wished they could be like. She was a wonder and privilege to be around.

    But this Maria far surpasses that Maria from school days at Line Mountain. She is Maria, the fighter, mother extraordinaire, Maria the teacher and loving daughter! You inspire me Maria!

    So glad you gave yourself time in Costa Rica and found peace and rest in going there.

    Love you Maria!


    Liked by 1 person

  5. Whatever Maria-style looks like today, is perfect for today. You are amazing. Don’t ever forget that. Give yourself a break. Ask for help when you need it. ❤❤❤


  6. YOU, Miss Maria…..
    Have the richest spirit that I know. Your words always help mine to grow bigger and brighter.
    Love you HARD XOX


  7. I loved looking at your pictures, it really focuses on what it is you can do. You subconsciously put me in my place and teach me not to complain so much and appreciate what I’ve got. Count on my daily prayers. Stay strong!


  8. Wonderful pictures ! So glad you went ! I’m going to borrow your word craptastic now and then ! Praying for you as always 😍


  9. Maria, you continue to inspire me with your strength and courage. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time, but so glad you were able to have this wonderful experience. Allow yourself to rest as much as your body needs. I am praying hard for good test results, and call me when you need a chemo buddy! ❤️❤️


  10. You need to move the word ‘writer’ closer to the top of your Bio list. You and your words are moving in so many ways! Just the list of activities you did are amazing – more than most of us will every conquer!! Thank you Marrrrria !!!


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